Thursday, August 04, 2011

Adventures in Babysitting




I babysat.

And, it was pretty stressful. Very stressful, if you want to know the bald truth. Heart-poundingly stressful.

I had the un-privilege of looking after a jumpy little whippersnapper who, as luck would have it, has eight (count 'em!) legs, while I was also pitiably trapped on a torture device also known as my much-despised stationery bike.*

See, the deal was that nobody asked me to babysit, nor did I offer, but it seems that I had the luck of the draw this time around. I usually don't take my responsibilities lightly; however, I was more than willing to ditch this arach-kid. There. I said it, and I'm not taking it back.

So, there I sat, peddling away like a woman possessed, illogically thinking that the faster I peddled, the further away I would get from this little persona non grata:
The fact that little Jumpy Jimmy here was merely ten inches away from my face only heightened my hatred for being stuck on that doggone stationery bike. Watching him closely (as any good babysitter would), I became all itchy and scratchy and wobbly as I sent silent messages to him to please go across the room to visit the treadmill! No need to stay so close to me! Go! Go off to explore the world, young one! Expand your horizons, and LEAVE ME ALONE! Alas, no.

Not only did Jumpy Jimmy not have the courtesy to give me my privacy during my time of sweat, but he never even extended a friendly silk string hand of greeting. That, in and of itself wasn't a bad thing, but it meant that there was the very real possibility that since he rudely eschewed the basic common courtesy of saying "howdy-do" with a silvery strand, he might just very well cut straight to the chase and jump right from his place on the wall and directly into my mouth.Which was wide open. Because I was panting like a dog. Because I was sucking air for all that it's worth. Because I was on that horrible, horrible stationery bike.

Only minutes to go before my torture session was to be over, Jumpy Jimmy made a break for it and went AWOL on me! I thought, "Oh, no you don't! I do and do and do for you, and this is what I get? Nuh-uh. I'll track you down! I'll send out the bloodhounds! I'll find you! I'll give you what you've got coming!" And I did.

(WARNING: DISTURBING IMAGES MAY FOLLOW; PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.)







The end.

* I was aboard my much-hated stationery bike and not out doing my run due to an annoying condition called a stress fracture. Or a stress reaction. Whatever. In other words, my leg is basically broken, apparently because I happen to put my heel down incorrectly when I run, or because my gait is off (whatever that means), or because my hips don't line up just right, or because I like the color pink. I don't know, and neither does the sports medicine doctor, but he's just itching to put me on a treadmill so he can point and laugh and tell me that for all of these years, I've been doing that whole "walking upright on two legs" thing ALL WRONG. But, he won't be doing that until my bones knit and purl and crochet back together again, because, YEOW, having a fracture in one's bone is not a walk in the park, even if that walk is with perfect form and correct posture.

I so hate that bike.

6 comments:

Lisa said...

I am so sorry to read this about your stress fracture. What do they know? I think you have a beautiful gait. But take care. Heal quickly.

Jenni Elyse said...

I can't even comment about anything except that big, ugly, nasty, terrifying spider! Why, Deon? Why do you post things like that!!! I'm going to have nightmares for a week.

Gwyl said...

On my computer if I click the command button and the minus button several times the spider doesn't looks so big after all!

Time to call the bug exterminator. We have an appointment this coming Monday as Beth has spotted 2 earwigs. (scary little bugs) HAHAHA

Deon said...

Haha, Gwyl! Funny you should mention the exterminator; I don't think it was 48 hours after my "babysitting" that we had our entire house (inside and out) de-spidered.

Melissa said...

GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shane, Liz and all the Crew said...

OUCH! hope you knit together quickly!

love,
liz