Just Be Sure to Duck!

Christian and I took a jaunt to our local Wiggly Piggly Henny Penny Grocery Mart yesterday. Sheesh. You would think that with spell check and all, store employees would be able to avoid this type of embarrassment:

Don't they know that it isn't spelled ELECTRINICS? Even I, Idaho born, can tell you it is spelled LECTRONICS. Lectronics, people! Goodness to pete.

I suppose the good samaritan shopper who took it upon himself to make the edit on this sign was absent from school the day the spelling list also included the word SELECTION. (He was probably off playing hooky with the dude who made the sign.)

And just out of idle curiosity, why would those pretty pink and red and white M&Ms be displayed right next to those oh-so-boring ugly black cable thingies anyway? Apparently, they have no sense of aesthetic taste at that store. It's either that or the store management thinks that all of those macho guys buying their 52" LCD televisions will suddenly turn tender-hearted and grab a 12 oz. bag of conversation hearts for their wives for Valentine's Day and call it good. Hey, a 1080p resolution tv for him, a 12 oz. bag of chalky candy for her. Yes sir. Those guys are home free! (Or so they wish.) Stiletto shoe through a flat screen, anyone?

LXXXXII or XCII, Your Choice

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MOST

WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, LOVING,

UNSELFISH, RIGHTEOUS

MOTHER, GRANDMOTHER AND

GREAT GRANDMOTHER!!!

My mother is one of the most amazing people I know. She is 92 years old and is still keeping her own house, doing her own shopping, always keeping up with the current events, looking out for her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. She rarely complains about anything except when the snowplow leaves a mess at the end of her driveway preventing her from driving to one of her beloved Daughters of the Utah Pioneers meetings. (If she's really in a mood, she will take matters into her own hands and shovel herself out. Easy does it!)

She loves to visit and play games with her family. Her mind is as sharp as a tack, so don't try to cheat at Scattergories--she'll do that herself (and defend her logic quite effectively). She keeps herself looking as cute as a button and will always notice if I am wearing something new. She is a mover and a shaker, that one. Good luck getting Mom to sit still for more than 30 minutes--she always says, "I'm NOT a rocking chair grandma!" No siree.

I love my mom for the values and morals she instilled in me simply by her example. Cheating at Scattergories aside, Mom would never consider doing anything dishonest, even driving an hour back to a store to return five cents. Although it sounds like a cliche', Mom was always putting the needs of her six little rascals before her own. Her family still means everything to her. Everything.

I couldn't have wished for a better mom than my mom. I'm so glad that she's mine. I love her so.

Making a wish for a bright red Ferrari that can go 0 to 60 in

3.2 seconds flat

Having charmed our waiter, Mom proceeds to break his heart telling him she's booked for next Saturday night (DUP meeting and all . . . )

Four generations of that good ol' Idaho pioneer stock

(Apparently, the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers choose not to discriminate.)

¡Qué Guapo!*

This should bring in the baptisms by the dozens don't you think?

*¡Qué guapo! Literal translation: An extraordinarily handsome and dashing luchador named Elder Sagers who will charm you with his vast gospel knowledge and his dazzlingly white smile! ¡Qué guapo!

Going Retro

If you hang around this blog long enough, eventually it will dawn on you that I and all those living with me are basically a pack of nerds. And you don't even have to try to hide your pity for us, because we know we are a pack of nerds. And we LIKE it.

So onward to some nerdness!

What do you get when you take an old vinyl record album and lovingly mold it, shape it, coax it, humor it, nurture it, bend it to your will, force it to comply, completely change it to make it into exactly what you want it to be? Oh wait. I'm sorry. We were talking about a record album right? I got carried away thinking about my husband.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place an inverted 8" diameter metal bowl on cookie sheet. Find the goofiest vinyl record album in your collection--something that makes a statement about who you are. William Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" would be an ideal choice for this project. (C'mon. I KNOW you have one of Captain Kirk's albums laying around somewhere. Everybody does. No need to hang your head in shame.) Anywho! Take the album and fling it across the room like a Frisbee until you chop off someone's ear. Oops. No. Place it over the inverted metal bowl. Put the whole contraption into the oven and watch closely. As the vinyl begins to melt, use oven mitts or another metal bowl to ease the album into the desired shape. Return to oven if the vinyl is not flexible enough to mold. Allow to cool.

Display the bowl in the most conspicuous place possible in your professionally decorated home; this just screams high-society "CLASS-EE!"

Honey Spiced Pretzels

4 cups pretzel sticks or twists

3 tablespoons honey

2 teaspoons margarine, melted

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon chili powder

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Line cookie sheet with aluminum foil; spray with cooking spray. Place pretzels in large bowl. Mix remaining ingredients; drizzle over pretzels, stirring to coat.

Spread pretzels evenly on cookie sheet. Bake 8 minutes, stirring once. Cool on sheet. Loosen pretzels from foil. Store in airtight container at room temperature.

The Answer

You came back! Oh, I knew you would come back. I feel validated now. And for those of you who don't understand that reference, I'm sad for you. Kidding! Just go back one post for some cuteness and to get back into the loop. Hurry along, now. Don't be late.

In keeping with the adorable we're-not-too-old-for-a-toys-R-us theme, Christian delivered this answer late at night to the jack-in-the-box girl's front porch:

She triggers each button, and voila', she has her answer:

And now for the rest of the story (to be read in Paul Harvey's deep {and dead} voice): Unfortunately, Christian never did attend the preference dance because of the last-minute decision by the American Fork Marching Band to compete in the Grand Nationals in Indianapolis. The jack-in-the-box girl who asked Christian to the dance just couldn't muster up the energy to trot out to the midwest for a date, so she asked someone else. Christian tells us that apparently the "someone else" reported that he received his very first kiss EVER the night of the dance. From the jack-in-the-box girl. Huh. Missed opportunity or a dodged bullet? I'm not saying a thing.

The Question

Yeah, I know I am kind of pokey about sharing this with you, and I know you have all been waiting, just waiting with baited breath for it! So here ya go.

This request showed up on our front porch late one night all by its lonesome:

Adorable, as in A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!

Mosey on back here tomorrow to see Christian's answer. (Ha! Making you wait until tomorrow is one way to keep you tuned in--which is more than Jay Leno is doing with his dwindling audience at the moment.)

I Give You Permission to Gloat

The following reading list appeared in my newspaper recently. I thought to myself, "Oh, goody! I would love to have a comprehensive list of great reading material prescribed by an honors program professor, and, just my luck, that is who happened to write this very list I am holding in my hands! I am stoked!" Yes, that is truly what I thought to myself. Word for word. Every word. Verbatim.

So then I got to the part of the article that listed the books. Oh. The books. Right.

Hey? Just out of curiosity, how many of you intellectual types out there have read "The Essential Eusebius" by Eusebius? Perhaps you've perused "Thus Spake Zarathustra" by Nietzsche? Or this long-time fave, "Lives of the Noble Greeks and Romans" by Plutarch? No reason. Just wonderin'.

Click on the list for a closer look to see if you every right to gloat.

Or not.

I received this treasure-trove from Dave as a sweet little Christmas gift a couple of years ago. Do you think this is a subtle commentary by Dave on me and my intellectual prowess? (Frankly, he is pretty spot-on.)

Just try topping Puff and Spot and Dick and Jane, Messrs. Virgil, Sophocles and Aeschylus. It's tough to beat near genius.

¡Ho, Ho, Ho! ¡Feliz Navidad!

Papa' Noel came to our house on January 7th via a Christmas package from Elder Sean! Just check out the loot we received:

Ashley and Jordan are modeling their authentic Honduran bags which are muy maravilloso for carrying things like phones, netbooks, keys, wallets, a ham on rye . . .

Here Ashley and Jordan pose for HondurasVogue Magazine.

I adore my tortilla press, as well as my

"Jorges Foreman Grill" on which to

burn fry the tortillas. Fry the tortillas! Me burn something?

Ahhh, just the thing for Christian aka Gilligan.

His buddy, the Skipper, already has designs on taking it over--

can't you just read the envy in his face?

Don't mess with this guy--he's packin' heat.

(See photo below of Sean modeling Dave's heat.)

Sean said he would have to hand-deliver

this sweet little machete to Dave; in the meantime it looks like

Elder Sagers is standing just a little taller and a little bolder for some reason . . .

¡Gran compras! ¡Gracias muy, tanto Santa Sean!

¡Adoro ese chico!

Today's Helpful Hint: A smoke alarm serves remarkably well as a dinner bell.

What? I Can't Hear a Thing . . . Wha . . . ?

If a certain event occurs more than four or five years in a row, does that qualify it as a bona fide tradition in the official and government-sanctioned "Traditions to be Kept Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever Handbook?" Cuz, hoo boy, do I have a tradition that hopefully never grows stale. I introduce to you the annual:

Dee & Dave's New Year's Day

Shindig and Wingding

2010 Edition

So here's the lowdown on the Shindig and Wingding. A whole lot of wild and crazy people gather at my house on New Year's Day for a whole lot of wild and crazy food and a whole lot of wild and crazy partying. (This whole wild and crazy party serves as a get together for Dave's side of the fam; I kind of twist my sister's and my mom's arms to come join in the hooha.) The most anticipated part of the Wingding is the white elephant gift exchange. It never fails to dissolve into a down and dirty brawl between the two grandmas over some snively little gift they each wanted. JUST KIDDING!!! Grandma Pauline? Grandma Bea? Just kidding, dears. (Uh oh. What did I just do?)

One particular gift keeps coming back year after year to haunt our party, sort of like "Bob" in "What About Bob?" It just never goes away. After the first year, it started turning up with a $5 bill attached in an effort by its current owner to just "GET THE THING AWAY FROM ME!" Truth be told, this was a gift given to me at a Girls Night Out where each girlfriend was to bring a tasteful $20 holiday-themed gift. Whoa.

Interestingly, this year several gifts were brought to our Wingding which are rather disturbing. Truly. I have a feeling we'll be seeing some of these gifts rearing their ugly heads at future Wingdings. Beware all! At this rate, the goal of the white elephant gift exchange will switch from trying to snag something quasi-decent to trying with all one's might to avoid being saddled with a parasite, as it were.

So now, let's see if you can spot the object of (non)desire.

BINGO!

What you can't see because of the $5 bribe largesse, is that the face of one of the wisemen is actually a ghastly green color in what I can only assume was the manufacturer's attempt at racial diversity. But why green? I know it seems sacrilegious to shun something depicting this holiest of events in our world's history, but I know I'm not the only one. After one of our Shindings a couple of years back, I had to chase the rightful owner out to her car and basically huck the thing into her backseat as she tore away. I think I saw her beating on her steering wheel sobbing, "Why? Why me? Why?"

Ever tried opening a many-times

wrapped candy bar wearing oven mitts?

The over-18 crowd got pretty rambunctious and unruly.

The under-18 crowd actually played by the rules.

The Carol of the Bells it ain't, but its not too shabby for non-union musicians. Have a listen:

AND NOW WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Right here on our stage, for all you youngsters

out there, we have a really big shoe! . . . The Beatles!!!

Er, no. I mean, The Deafeners!

I just dare ya to watch this to the bitter end. I double-dog dare ya. Just when you think the torture is finally over . . . not!!!

I hear Miracle Ear makes a really great product.

You may want to check into it.

Coming soon: Visions of Shindig and Wingdings Past

Splish Splash He Was Takin' a Bath!

As a passel of us gathered at Ashley and Jordan's one evening, the highlight of the night for most of our crowd was watching "A Night at the Opera" with the Marx brethren. (No comment. I mean, there just really is no accounting for taste, is there. So, no comment. I will admit that the Marx Brothers are better than The Three Stooges, which isn't saying much. But no comment from me. Except! to say that I just don't get it. Enough said. No comment. Alright, alright! It was pretty funny when Groucho was hawking peanuts to the audience during "Il Travatore." Yeah, that was pretty funny. And that part with the four beds? That was pretty funny. And when Groucho says, 'How would you like to feel like she looks?' That was pretty funny. But, no comment. I'm not going to say anything about it being a "unique" *cough-unsophisticated-cough*kind of humor . Don't want to hurt anyone's Dave's feelings. So I'm not going to say one single word about it.)

But where was I? Oh! So, my favorite highlight of the evening (which happened to be Kimball's first birthday!) came prior to the movie as I watched baby Kimball receive the royal treatment in his own secluded and well-appointed spa get-away. His extremely qualified hair stylist decided to go with The Pointy Look ala Dr. Suess. It's all the rage don't you know. Theodore Geisel would be so proud. I'm quite sure that Kimball isn't going to let all of this attention to his hair go to his head, but he is a trendsetter, that one. And we can all say we knew him when.

"If you never did, you should. These things are fun, and fun is good."--Dr. Seuss