Monday, August 09, 2010

So. It Is Confirmed.

I am a nerd.

If you want proof positive that I am, in fact, a nerd, I'm going to give you all of the proof you could possibly need. After that, go ahead and laugh and point fingers at my latest in nerdiness nerd-dom. And, I know you will, so don't try to be coy about it as if you were a 16-year-old girl slyly whispering behind her hand to her friend that their other friend ("friend?" yeah, right) has ugly bangs. You all know what I'm talking about--don't deny it.

On to the point. I preface this by defending our household's eating habits, and I state for the record, Your Honor, that we rarely dance the Fast-Food-Tango. We eat fast food about as often as I get a new pair of shoes. No. Wait. That's way more often than what I mean. Rewind: We eat fast food about as often as Dave has heartburn. Stop. No, no, no. That's almost every night, and we don't do fast food almost every night. Okay, everybody! Back to your places and let's try this again from the top: We eat fast food about as often as Christian has the rare evening without girls knocking down our front door in a swoon. And that's about once in a blue moon. Cuz if we're going to eat out, I want service! I want silverware! I want plates that don't say C-H-I-N-E-T! I want finger-bowls! I want a linen napkin placed in my lap with a snap and a flourish! I want a crumb-sweeper-waiter-dude-guy-person! Certainly not too much to ask.

But on this occasion (after I was struck loopy with a flash of genius for this experiment), I insisted that we stop and pick up fast food . . . ON PURPOSE!!! I know! Livin' life large here, people! And, get this! Not only did we go through one drive-thru, we went through three!

Whoa. Is the apocalypse coming or what???

It just so happens that I had this excellently brilliant idea of performing our own non-scientific experiment in our own kitchen non-scientific home lab using our own non-scientific equipment. Brilliant, no? (Don't you love that word, "brilliant"? You could also substitute the words "nerdy, nerdy, nerdy" for the word "brilliant" in this particular case and still be completely accurate. Go back and try it.)

My "brilliant" quest was to determine which $1 cheeseburger from the three major fast food chains reigned supreme in terms of taste, ability to satiate, and heft. Yeah, yeah, nerdy. (Greasy spoon joints like Ripples in Provo or the grill at Downata Hot Springs in Ideeeho are not a part of this equation because we all know that the greasier, the better, and they would win {greasy} hands down.)

Here are our extremely unscientific methods:

And here are our extremely unscientific results:

Nummiest Tasting: McDonald's
Most Satisfying to the Palate and Tummy: McDonald's
Portliest (meant in the kindest way): Burger King

*A special shout-out goes to Dave and Christian for being my lab partners/cohorts in crime. They have gradually resigned themselves to the fact that I will drag them from here to kingdom come in my nerdy quests, and they have long since learned that, in the end, it is just better to roll with me and my ways; it is so much quicker and a ton less painful for everyone involved if they just buck up and do as I say. :)

NEXT UP: French fries, baby! (Stop it. You have your hobbies, I have mine.)


Jacqueline said...

Haha Deon, you make me laugh! How fun. That would actually be fun to do. Maybe I can get Tigh to do it with me...

Kathleen said...

I love you Deon! After french fries, would you do milk shakes?? That'd be awesome!

Beth said...

Nerdiness must run in the family! Have you checked out Gwyl's foot warmers and sippy cups?

Ashley said...

Poor Wendy's. No award. PLEASE let me participate in the onion rings study!

Hey, Gwyl's sippy cups are awesome! Do you really want coke and chocolate milk on the seats of your car?

The Morris Family said...

I am laughing so hard, but only because I'm jealous! Why wasn't I picked to taste test this experiment. This extremely pregnant woman just adores her hamburgers lately. (So do my buttocks, if you know what I mean!) I am willing to give myself up to science for both the onion rings and the french fries!

Lisa said...

Every single element of this blog post was entertaining. I'm telling need to have a column in the SL Tribune! Speaking of hamburgers, have you ever had a Hires only found in your neck of the woods?

Jeanne said...

In high school I had a lab partner who worked at McDonalds. His hands ALWAYS smelled like onions. We consistently got low scores on our experiments. Therefore I totally blame McDonalds for my only "C" in high school. And I always ask for no onions on my hamburger!

Dave said...

As one of the "more than willing" guinea pigs in this experiment, I am petitioning that our next test include steak and lobster (a sure cure for heartburn!) :)

Melissa said...

I must say that I really didn't foresee McDonald's as bringing home the gold! (I really should have, afterall - they are the official olympic sponsor...I digress).

I swear all the burger snobs dine at Wendy's, but I've never been a big fan! I'll be showing my husband this research the next time he mocks my McCraving.

I hope when my kids are all grown up, I can be as awesome as you. Right now I just haven't got the time...or the wardrobe.